Doctor Simon Tam

"If you could completely start your life overfrom scratch, what would you do differently the second time around (ifanything)? Why?"

Simon’s been up for nine hours, watching River as she sleeps off the effects of the last drug put into her system. It’s a weak attempt at silencing the voices and calming the increasingly nonsensical patterns of thought and behaviour.

Nothing works and nothing lasts long enough to give River the peace she so obviously needs and Simon feels like she’s slipping through his fingers, day by day.

In the dead of night when everybody else is sleeping, Simon’s working and struggling against the weight of time now stacked against him. She’s been gone too long and they’ve done too much.

He doesn’t even know where to begin.

He’d give anything to be able to go back and change everything. Stop River from going to that “school” and keep her safe – safe from the horrors of this life and the countless others she’s had to hear and see. Failing that, he’d work faster and move quicker. Not dither so much, find her quicker and take her away from that place sooner.

He spent so many years building up his contacts and working his way inside that every second had counted against him. Every second was a minute lost and an hour wasted.

He’d change everything, from the moment that letter came to the very day River accepted it and went blindly and faithfully into the darkness. He’d give anything to take all of it back.

Muse: Simon Tam
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Word Count: 235

"Tell a story about a past scar"

Simon Tam is one of the privileged or at least he used to be, he always looks neat and tidy – prim and proper, he can’t help himself. He’s been raised that way and he knows that appearances are everything.

To look at him in his silk waistcoats and neat black slacks, you wouldn’t think he had scars. To look at Simon is to see everything good breeding and a wealthy upbringing is capable of, you’d never think a man like Simon would ever be in a situation where he could be scarred.

Beneath the clothes and beneath the facade he’s perfected over the years there are scars, some less visible than others and they cut to the bone, slice him open and lay him out bare for all to see if they ever look close enough.

To focus on the more physical of scars there’s one on his abdomen from where a bullet ripped right through him and laid him out on his back. It came from a Reaver’s gun and it was one Simon thought would end him.

None of them had thought they had a chance in hell of walking away from that one alive but all of them had been willing to sacrifice themselves for the truth; for Miranda’s atrocity to be heard by the rest of the ‘verse. It was only fair and the right thing to do and as always it was the hardest thing.

Sometimes if he closes his eyes, he can remember every sensation and there are times when he wonders if a fragment was left behind because he can still feel it. Remembers the blood that slipped through his fingers and the despair that had overcome him as he lay there useless and Kaylee had been dying only inches away from him.

If not for Inara, he would have bled out and Kaylee …he doesn’t want to think, and if not for River throwing herself back into the masses of Reavers none of them would be hear to tell their story.

He carries scars with him everywhere but most of them have changed something for the better so he doesn’t look upon them as something to be regretted. Some hurt more than others but they are as much a part of him as his heart and they make him who he is, both good and bad.

Muse: Simon Tam
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Word Count: 394

"Would you ever kill a human being (or if you are not human - would you ever kill a being from your own species?)."

When I first became a doctor I had to swear to what’s known as the Hippocratic Oath, it pertains to a strict code of morals and ethics that I as a physician would agree to abide by. It's vitally important to understand why there are such things in place because practising medicine is one of the greatest honours you can have. To misuse that ability would be unthinkable and inexcusable. Thankfully I have never misused my ability because to do so would be to turn my back on everything I’ve learned and respected.

There is one particular part of the Oath that I feels bears great relevance to the question and it is the part that swears you will never deliberately harm another person for your own or anyone else’s interest.

I’ve been a doctor to countless faces, none of them as familiar to me as my own family and all of them with their own stories and reasons for being under my care. I have treated them as individually as possible and provided only the best care that I could. It never mattered if I knew them well or not or if there was any point or if they were convicted killers. All of them received the same treatment and it was always the best I could offer.

I told Jayne once that he’d always be safe on my operating table no matter his actions and the words still stand as truth. I am a doctor first and foremost and everything else such as grudges and vendettas are and will always be secondary to that.

However if I had a gun and there was no operating table to speak of then yes I would kill another human being, if that is what it would take to survive and to keep the people I care about safe. I can’t promise I’d actually go as far as to hit anyone (I’m a lousy shot you see) but I would most certainly try.

Muse: Simon Tam
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Word Count: 331

"Write a fan letter"

( The letter he never sent )

Muse: Simon Tam
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Word Count: 312

"If you could pick anyone in the world, alive or dead, to be your parents, who would it be? Why?"

My parents were deeply flawed but it was those flaws that made me the man I am today.

To choose different parents could possibly mean changing everything and anything about my life and me. Despite the difficulties I have faced, this is my life and I have made my own decisions and I’ve lived with my choices; lived with them because my parents instilled in me a sense of dignity and taught me the value of honour.

Even if their halos weren’t as …bright as they might have liked them to be, they still taught me how a person should live. They were always better with theory than any real practicality; I’ve noticed how a certain level of privilege does this to people, the sad thing is they don’t even realise it themselves.

I hate my father on some level for doing what he did, for being ignorant to River’s obvious need for help and I honestly despair of my mother – a woman so blind she could not see what was right in front of her, but they are my parents.

I don’t think I could imagine having any other parents or being raised another way, everything that they did and every second of my life has been leading up to this very moment in time. I am who I am because of their influences and my choices and I’m content, I see no reason to change that.

I’d rather have the parents I had than face a life of complete and utter change, once in one lifetime is more than enough for any one man.

Muse: Simon Tam
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Word Count: 266

"Time"

Time is everything to a doctor; it can often mean the difference between life and death.

From when you get the patient on your table to when they’re wheeled or walk (depending on whom they are and how stubborn they are like a certain Captain) out of the operating room, all you have is time.

Go too fast - rush the surgery and you risk the possibility that you miss something and they never heal just right. Go too slow and your patient might bleed out before you even have the chance to suture the wound shut.

Most of the time people don’t notice time and they don’t even count the seconds, minutes and hours that make up their lives but to a doctor it’s those very seconds, minutes and hours that mean the world.

It’s almost as if time stops when surgery begins, the rest of the world falls away and all you have is the constant and repetitive *tick-tock* of the clock on the wall. The hands move, counting away the time you have until you know for certain if all your good work has been worth it.

Time watches over everyone and you only have so long in this world but the doctors - the ones you trust to heal you are the ones that time weighs heavily upon. Your life in their hands and time against them; it’s a race and hopefully they don’t finish last or your life is over.

Muse: Simon Tam
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Word Count: 245

"Write about disappointment or disillusion"

All my life my father was my idol and all I wanted was to make him and my mother proud because that’s what a good son does.

The unfortunate thing about hero worship is that when the illusion shatters you see them for the human being that they are and suddenly the world is a shade darker. You almost wish you could have stayed lost in the darkness that their shadow threw over you.

I remember the exact moment all my illusions about my life and my father came crashing down around me.

It was after I figured out River was trying to communicate with me through her letter and that my sister was not okay no matter what the insipient men in suits told us. I took matters into my own hands and in doing so I found myself arrested and then brought to judgment in front of my father.

I was so sure he would understand and support me in this but he did the exact opposite.

He wanted to do nothing, pretend like everything was okay, and he denied the truth because it was easier that way. He was afraid, afraid of what the government might do to him and his career if he so much as challenged their authority. He was content with sacrificing River to save his own skin.

It was like talking to a stone wall and everything I told him was thrown back in my face and it took me walking out for him to even confess to loving River and I and I thought (just for one second) that maybe he would do the right thing. That he would throw caution to the wind and save his daughter from the obvious torture she was suffering but as always he disappointed me.

He told me that if I left (if I chose to save my sister) that he would not come for me and it was at that exact moment that I saw him for what he was: a coward. He was not brilliant, he was not as omnipotent as I always believed him to be, and he wasn’t the man he’d always claimed to be. He was flawed, beyond flawed, and he was more than willing to hide behind his faults rather than strive for virtue.

I was completely alone and I was the only Tam that was willing to risk everything for River. My only regret is that it took my father’s fall from his pedestal for me to see what kind of man I can be and that I am nothing like him.

I never would have thought it before.

Muse: Simon Tam
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Word Count: 440

"Night"

The only time Simon ever has to himself is at night but even then his attention is half split between trying to rest and watching over River.

He can't help himself; it's become such an integral part of both himself and his daily routine that to do anything other than watch over River seems alien and foreign; a concept his so called intelligent mind just can't wrap around.

The thing about Simon is that as brilliant as he is he does not know how to stop thinking and how to relax. He's worked all his life - never given himself a break for anything and he believes that anything less than perfection is unacceptable.

Night is to Simon what a core planet is to Mal. It's a time to feel ill at ease, to think too much, to worry and suspect everything and everyone. Most of all it's a time to second guess himself, about what he could have done different if only he'd known more or come to suspect something sooner.

That's why he keeps as busy as he does.

If he isn't watching over River, he's cleaning up the small infirmary aboard Serenity or reading up on the latest literature, or as much of it as he can get out in the black.

Night is when Simon needs to keep busy the most because it's the only time he ever really gets to himself and sometimes that's not such a great thing after all.

Muse: Simon Tam
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Word Count: 246

Topic for 06/12/06- "There are no extraordinary men... just extraordinary circumstances that ordinary men are forced to deal with." - William Halsey

When I was younger my parents would have me believe that there was nothing River and I couldn’t do, the world was our oyster and every opportunity would be ours for the taking.

It was only after River left for that school and I was faced with one of the most prestigious placements that I realised how lucky I was and how things could have been different had I not been born into the Tam family.

There were other people, less fortunate people who I thought didn’t have as much chance or opportunity as myself and River and that they would never rise above the standards their parents had set for them.

I thought for certain that it was only the rich and the privileged that could achieve the greatest things, be better and reach higher. I thought these things because I knew of no other way to think. I was a Tam and therefore capable of anything.

It was only when I came to Serenity that I saw that ordinary people can do the most extraordinary things not because they want to but because they have to. It’s not about proving to the person next to you how brilliant and wonderful you are in comparison to them. It’s about surviving, looking after the people closest to you and making it day to day.

When I first came aboard Serenity I was sure I had nothing in common with any of its inhabitants, Malcolm Reynolds especially. He was everything I had been taught not to be and he was ordinary but yet so extraordinary simply because of how he handled each new situation and how he looked after his crew and sent out the message about Miranda.

We all took part, we all thought we wouldn’t make it and unfortunately one or two of us lost our lives but at the end of the day we succeeded where most others would have failed. It was only after this that I realised that anyone can achieve something incredible just as long as the circumstance allows it.

Muse: Simon Tam
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Word Count: 345

November Prompt - Lightning

They say that lightning isn’t supposed to strike twice in the same place but if you take one look at the Tams you know all bets are off and anything is possible.

River and Simon are nothing short of brilliant, the kind of children that would make any parent proud and for the longest time they did but everything changed when River went away and Simon became obsessed with finding her, believing that people were hurting her.

Simon was a talented man, a skilled doctor, with a nothing short of bright future ahead of him and he just threw it away. For what, no one is ever really certain. You’d have to ask him and even then people wouldn’t believe him if he tried to explain.

His sister River was a genius, she could put her hand to any one thing and became an expert and she could think of the most remarkable things and say the most astounding of things. She was by far smarter and better but it never came between them but all of what she was is now shrouded by madness. There have been too many experiments and far too many men with blue hands, touching and probing until the girl she was – was chased away into the corner of her mind.

They say that lightning isn’t supposed to strike twice in the same place but if you take one look at the Tams you know all bets are off and anything is possible.

Simon spent his fortune and two years of his life building up enough contacts to get close to her, close enough to gift her with freedom. He got close, close enough to touch and she wasn’t so far gone that she couldn’t recognise her own brother. It’s smart, ingenious; the way he gets her out and how he smuggles her onboard Serenity.

It’s hard going, the way River slips from sanity to insanity and how she always seems to be fighting with the demons inside of her. She talks of secrets, hears voices and senses things before they happen. Mal calls her a reader, others call her a witch but to Simon, she’s River and will always be River no matter what happens or how far gone she seems to be.

They say that lightning isn’t supposed to strike twice in the same place but if you take one look at the Tams you know all bets are off and anything is possible.

River has always been a creature of amazing grace and it’s when they’re set down on that planet that he sees it for the first time, what those men did to his sister and what she’s been turned into. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t scared but he isn’t afraid for himself, he’s never been afraid for himself, he’s scared for River and scared that things are going to get worse before they get better. River says as much.

She speaks a word ‘Miranda’ and there’s a secret that she’s been keeping and they don’t know until they’ve lost almost everyone and everything that ever meant anything. It’s out past Reaver space but they get there, God help them they get there, and suddenly everything’s clear. There are too many skeletons, not enough truths, and River’s one step closer to being River because the secret is staring them all in the face and she isn’t the only one who knows it.

They say that lightning isn’t supposed to strike twice in the same place but if you take one look at the Tams you know all bets are off and anything is possible.

The crew of Serenity and the Tams fight through Alliance and Reavers to get the signal out so that the Verse will know the truth, that the souls of ‘Miranda’ will be given the justice they deserve and people will know where Reavers come from and why they are the way that they are.

They say that lightning isn’t supposed to strike twice in the same place but if you take one look at the Tams you know all bets are off and anything is possible, even bringing the Alliance down a peg or two.

Muse: Simon Tam
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Word Count: 701

Topic for 15/11/06 - "Purpose"

When I was younger I had a purpose.

It was to be a doctor, to save lives and to live a life that my parents would approve of and to be well respected.

Only when life steps in and takes over you lose your way, purpose slips through your fingers and all you have left are choices.

My sister made a choice, to become a part of this academy and for a while I was sure that it was the right one to make, the academy would give her all the chances that a normal regular education couldn’t but over time I realised how wrong it was.

Then I got a letter from her, a scrambled mass of words and meanings that for a while I couldn’t make heads or tails of but eventually I saw it for what it was. It was a code, a message asking for help because people were hurting her.

In that moment, all thought to my purpose in this life became meaningless and I made a choice. I chose to help my sister, to get her away from the people who were hurting her but I never realised how long it would take and how for two years I would barely sleep and eat because living had become so much more than getting up and working at the hospital.

I got her back, took her away from all those men that were hurting her and got her safely onboard Serenity. I thought that we’d get off at the next planet, keep running, but instead we found a home.

River’s not okay, those men did something to her and my new purpose in life is to find out what and how I can fix it because my sister is more than what they made her, she’s beautiful and she deserves to be that person again.

Muse: Simon Tam
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Word Count: 310